It's twenty after eleven, and I'm taking a few minutes in the middle of our crazy night to be quiet and type a bit. Right now, the plan is to call L&D at midnight, make sure they still have room for me, and go in for a 1:00 am appointment (it just seems wrong to call anything at 1:00 am an "appointment") to get the induction started. I have no idea what they'll do once I get there, which is a little unnerving. But, truth be told, kind of far down on my radar screen right now of things that unnerve me.
First of all - I'm going to push a what out of my whaaaaa?! I've successfully avoided thinking about this part of baby-makin' up for the past nine months but it's kind of staring me in the face right now. Wtf. Who designed this process, exactly? Not pleased, but maybe I can avoid thinking about this a little longer - what's another few hours after nine months of denial?
Second - I'm going to be a mother?! We were at the mall tonight and R and I both picked up birthday cards for our daughter. My dad wrote me a card when I was in the hospital and it was so sweet and neat to have that growing up that we're both going to do the same thing for Nuggette. I pretty much started bawling the moment I walked in to Hallmark. This is hitting me all sorts of weird ways but none of them are how I anticipated. I'm in total denial, I love her, I'm not so sure - I don't know her, I'm terrified, I'm excited, I'm totally confused, and I don't know what to think. I'm going to shelve all this if I can until I can actually look at her little face in the hopes that things will make more sense then.
Third - I hope things go okay. I hope she's healthy (we opted for the minimal amount of prenatal screening because we knew we wouldn't do anything differently if she weren't "healthy" - now I kind of regret that because it'd be nice to be prepared if something's abnormal). I hope Nuggette and I get through the process okay. I hope R still likes me at the end of it all, after watching me pretty much lose all my dignity in the birthing process. I hope R is okay throughout this; I can't imagine being on his side of the fence and having -let's face it - such a passive role in such a monumental family moment. I hope the dog is okay being alone for two days. I hope the glider still comes in on Wednesday and R is able to pick it up before we get home. I hope I packed the right clothing for all of us. I hope other people like the name. I hope I still like her name. I hope I'm not forgetting anything.... Since I've pushed Points First and Second out of my brain, it's pretty much filled up with this.
It's time to head off to dry my hair (of course I want to blow dry my hair for a 1:00 am appointment at L&D duh), pack and clean a little more, and fret a lot more. Will update when there's something worth updating about. :) Wish us luck!
Update: Just talked to L&D - we're a go! (Ahhh!)