Sick.

First ever bout of mastitis started today.  I feel like hell.  Fortunately I suspected something was wrong early enough in the day to get a prescription called in so I could start antibiotics this evening.  I'll be taking a break from everything while I get back on my feet.

But before I forget - cross-training on Wednesday: 15 minutes elliptical, 15 minutes bike, 25 minutes weights.

...waking up crying & naps

(I know I've been calling the baby "Lia," but it doesn't seem to be catching on, so I'm going back to "Julia" and reserving Lia as a nuclear family nickname to keep things less confusing for her.)

So Julia's been waking up crying from many of her naps, particularly those in the afternoon/evening. The internet tells me it could be many things (thanks, Helpful Internet!) but that it is likely because she's not done sleeping yet, which was my hunch anyways. She only naps for 20-30 minutes at a time, so I'm guessing that's how long her sleep cycle is right now, and she needs to nap for more than one of them but is waking up instead. And while she's getting better at self-soothing and putting herself to sleep, she can really only do it in the mornings and she gets worse at it as the day goes on. So, I've started to step in and try to soothe her back to sleep in the afternoons and evenings, which is incredibly boring and time-consuming but it does seem to be working. (I have definitely not mastered the arms-to-crib transfer because I wake her up every freaking time.) But, she'll almost always go back to sleep for at least another 20-30 minutes, and she's more pleasant in the evenings when I force her to have a longer nap in the afternoon. I guess I need to work on establishing the sleep times, and then work on getting her to be able to put herself to sleep for them. We're just lucky she's the oldest/only child right now. I can't imagine being able to spend all this time rocking her if I had anything else to do!

But we still have yet to have a day where everything goes according to schedule.  I thought we were going to have one yesterday, but then she napped from about 7:00 PM right into her bedtime.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed it doesn't mean she's getting up an hour early this morning because Mommy needs the sleep!

"Well I don't know why you'd put a dog bed in the middle of the doorway either."

Sleep [dream feeds, waking up crying, & naps]

Seeing as it's 5 AM, I was thinking a post on sleep might be in order.  Lia is three months today (hooray!) and here's how sleeping typically goes throughout the day.  All times are give or take half an hour.

4:00 AM - Early morning dream feed.  (For those not familiar with it, the concept is to feed your baby when they're still asleep to get them to sleep longer and/or move their longest sleep stretch to when Mom and Dad are sleeping.  It really refers to a feed a few hours after the last one of the day - 10:00 or 11:00 PM or so - to get baby to sleep through until morning without another wake up.  But, for various reasons, I've started to do an early morning dream feed.  More on this later.)
7:30 - wake up for the day
9:00-9:30 - early morning nap
12:00 noon - another nap
Then the afternoon has no nap schedule whatsoever.  Around 6 or 6:30, she'll often catnap for about 20 minutes.
8:00 - bedtime

The "dream feed" is happening mainly because I need to pump once a day right now (need a freezer supply of milk for a few upcoming trips), and the best time is in the morning.  Naturally, some mornings she wakes for it on her own, some mornings she sleeps right through to 7:30, but most mornings she wakes up hungry around 6:00, then can't get back to sleep, so we're up for the day.  The uncertainty was painful for me on those great nights when she slept all night (but how useful is it to have a baby who sleeps all night when you're up at 5:00 staring at the ceiling because your boobs are about to explode and die?), and the 6:00 wake-up mornings left Lia really tired.  Plus, I still need to pump after the first feeding of the day, and it's much easier when the baby's asleep rather than wide awake and demanding attention.  So I decided to try taking charge, and now I go in when she's making noise (assuming that's a lighter part of her sleep cycle) and feed her.  She usually doesn't even open her eyes, but she nurses like a champ.  She falls back asleep when she's done and she's back in her crib 10 minutes later.  Then I spend half an hour on the computer with the pump (bleh).  And then I try to get back to sleep for another hour or so when I'm done.  This has left me more tired than the longer, uninterrupted stretches I was getting before (duh) but I think I also need to make more of an effort to go to bed earlier.  During our first trip, I'm going to ask her grandma to let her sleep all night if she wants, and see if she's ready to start sleeping through the night on a regular basis.  If she is - fingers crossed - I'm going to work on eliminating the need to pump in the mornings and hopefully we can all be more well-rested soon.

Another sleep issue that's confounding me is that she wakes up crying from her afternoon naps.  Literally, she's asleep one second, then her face scrunches up and she starts wailing, usually 20-30 minutes after I put her down.  At first I figured she doesn't like transitions and that's just how she wakes up.  But it's definitely more common in the afternoons vs the mornings, and she's frequently fussy/angry in the evenings, so I thought maybe she's not done sleeping yet and that's why she's mad she's awake.

-Oh hey - look at that - done pumping!  Sorry, but I'm going back to bed.  I'll finish up later.

Just a regular Tuesday...

Nothing much new going on yesterday or today.  Just a gym update and a few photos.

Monday: 4 miles (1 on track, 3 on treadmill), 45 minutes

We introduced Julia to Sophie the Giraffe.  She doesn't have the coordination yet to hold Sophie and then bring her to her mouth, but with some help, she kind of made out with the giraffe's head for awhile.  Long enough for me to grab my camera and snap some photos, at least.

Back to the tried n true favorite - the fist!

One nerve left.

I don't know what's wrong with me today.  My patience is at an all-time low.  I think a lot of it has to do with the weather ruining my plans for the day (so lame, I know, but when I look forward to an actual outing with grown-ups and a reason to blow-dry my hair all week and I can't make it out of my hilly neighborhood because it snows an inch RIGHT BEFORE I need to leave, I guess I just can't handle it), but I've had it with people needing things from me.  I've gotten exasperated before, but not like today.  It's the first time I've actually had to just put the baby in the crib and walk away and shut the door, and it's the first time that I've cried since the baby was born.  (Not counting crying at Grey's Anatomy reruns and Williams-Sonoma ads about family traditions.)  And I'm about ready to either shoot my dog or bring her back to the pound.  I don't know what it is about today - we've certainly had worse days.  Thankfully, I have a husband who is home and doesn't mind stepping in when I lose it.  (See?  I'm not only a terrible mother but a terrible wife too.)

I'm just ready for today to be over and tomorrow to start.

1/2 Marathon training update

• Thursday: 3 miles, 35 minutes.  
• Friday: off.  
• Saturday: just walked the dog 1.5 miles, uphill half way.  
• Sunday: (meant to go to the gym but needed to shovel the driveway and walk the damn dog instead) 2.5 miles, half running, hilly, in some serious snow.

I wanted to do my "long" run today but obviously that didn't happen.  I'm hoping that the hilly factor and the running-in-snow factor contributed to a better workout than it sounds.  Seriously, running in loose snow is like running in sand!  It feels way harder.  I'm going to try to get to the gym tomorrow.

On the baby front:  She's now too excited about the rest of the world to finish each nursing session, so now she eats about half, refuses to finish and gets really upset when I try to coax her, and then gets really upset again thirty minutes later when she's still hungry.  And, for some reason, every time she poops, it blows out up her back and we have to change her clothes.  Every time.  She's also doing some cool stuff like smiling and talking more and staring at her fingers, but right now I'm just hacked about the eating and pooping stuff.

Well, Robert's got the baby down for the night (fingers crossed) so I'm going to finish chores and perhaps pour myself a glass of alcohol.

Being coy for the camera.

Daddy can get her to laugh!

Yes, Mom, I'm awake.  Now take me out of this carseat before I vaporize you.

Have you seen anything cuter?  Ever?  I didn't think so.

Snow day II

Snow day!

Well, I've made it a point to go outside of the house every day for awhile now, just to keep both of us from going crazy, but it's not going to happen today.  We got 4-5 inches of snow last night, and more is falling today!  Maybe if things clear up later we'll make it out to Starbucks, but for now, we're going to stay warm and cozy and safe.

Julia's on her second nap of the day.  It's amazing - she's been falling into a morning nap schedule and it feels like every day gets just a little bit more predictable (except Tuesday, when she woke up at 4:30 AM and nursed and catnapped until 9:30).  Now she gets up between 6:30 and 7:00, nurses, plays a little, then is back in her crib for a 30-minute nap around 8:00.  Then we rinse and repeat for another 30-minute nap around 10:00.  It feels so good to be on somewhat of a schedule!

But I don't want to spend too much of this precious nap time rambling on, so without further ado, here are photos:

What is this magical thing?

I like it!

Looks pretty cozy, huh?

My fur-baby is pretty darn cute.

More smiles!

Adorbs.

She smiles all the time, but as soon as I hold up the camera, she goes, "Oh what is that?!" and gets all serious focusing on it, so it's tough to snap a smiley photo in time.  But I'll just keep trying.  :)

Oh yes, I almost forgot - call me crazy, but I’ve decided to register to run a half-marathon here in April. I’ve never run in a real, actual race before, but I’m really excited to give it a shot. My goal: simply to finish. I don’t care if I don’t run it all – in fact, I expect that I’ll be walking quite a bit – but I just want to do it. Finding time to train is going to be a little tough, but I think it’s do-able. I’m in better shape than I expected, just from walking the dog, so I need to ramp things up quickly but it’s not unrealistic. I’m going to try to get to the gym for runs twice a week, and do a long run on the weekend, and just keep up with walking on the off days. Once the weather gets a little nicer and I can take the babe out in the stroller, it’ll get a lot easier to get that training in. Wish me luck! I'll try to post progress here to keep me accountable and on track. :)

"If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much." 

A friend of mine forwarded me a heavily-commented blog post yesterday about women, particularly in the legal workplace, and the career vs family balance.  Reading through the comments last night, with my own post of yesterday, made me really internalize something.  My first priority is my family, and right now my family (particularly Julia) needs me home, not working.  I'm a better, happier, calmer person now than I was when I was working, and my child needs time and interaction with her mother way more than I need to feel fulfilled in a career outside the home.  I know the dream for women is to "have it all," and while I certainly don't speak for anyone else, that's not really a viable option for me and my family right now.  I think I need to stop seeing it as a personal failure on my part for not having it all, and focus on the fact that family is just higher on my priority list than my career.  And, like I said, I feel strongly that me staying home is the best thing for Julia right now.

That'll probably change down the road, and once I know my family is doing well, I can turn my attention to other things.  But I can't imagine how I'll ever regret taking a few years out of the rat race - even if it sets me back significantly in a career down the line - to meet my child's needs as best I possibly can.

And if it means R gets a few more hot meals a week and a cleaner house, then he's on the winning team too, right?  ;)

(Not to knock those who continue working - I'm not coming anywhere close to passing judgment on what works for other families.  I'm just trying to sort out what works best for us, and I know that's all that anyone is trying to do, whatever they ultimately do.)

"I always disdained those who made children.  It was the escape of the mediocre, to substitute their own botched lives with fresh ones."

So Lia is almost twelve weeks old now.  If I were going back to work, my maternity leave would be up this week and I'd be going back on Monday.  Of course, I've been thinking a lot about working, not working, staying home, and the value of my life.  It's critically important to me to contribute more to the world than I take - to be a net positive, to leave this earth just a little better off for having hosted me for awhile, to believe when I die that I did something with my life to make others' better.

I'm shifting my expectations down a little ("I need to do something like found the next Red Cross or go save all of Haiti or Africa or stop malaria or invent something to reverse climate change or... or.... or....."), but I'm still struggling with what I'm going to do with my life.  On some level, having a baby feels like a cop-out.  I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my career, so I hopped from lawyering to genetics research, not really excelling at either... so this stay-at-home-mom thing feels like I'm retreating from the career world with my tail between my legs.  I don't really want to do something just mediocre, I want to do something great, but that seems so daunting when it feels like I've already twice failed.

And of course it's more complex than just that, but the career implosions definitely played into my decision to stay at home with Lia.  But they're still haunting me.  Just perpetuating my genes and shifting my expectations onto a new life doesn't achieve my goals.  Of course I want her to be the best she can be, and I'll be proud of whatever she accomplishes, etc., but it's not fair to her for me to view her as my life's work: "I raised a daughter who founded the next Red Cross and saved all of Haiti and Africa and fixed global warming."  She is an incredible project with which I've been blessed, but I need to find my own personal fulfillment elsewhere.  And maybe I'm still too young and too new and my view too myopic, but that doesn't feel like what I'm doing right now.  I guess I'm really afraid that, once she's old enough that she doesn't need me home all the time anymore, I'll just end up watching Oprah on the couch for the rest of my life because I'm too afraid of failure to start up a career again.  That I'm just going to escape my goals and obligations as a human being by raising a child/children and calling it a day.  I am fortunate that we can afford for me to stay home, or take a low-paying but highly-fulfilling job in the future, but I'm worried I'm going to take advantage of it and just fail at life, not use that blessing for good like I should.

I'm not expressing myself perfectly here, but I'm still working it all out in my own head.  I know that on some level staying at home makes me uneasy, and I find myself overeager to justify that decision to people.  The fact of the matter is, it was the right decision for our family, period, and I know I don't need to apologize for it.  I can already tell that I know our daughter better than Robert does right now, obviously since I spend all day with her, and I know it's better for everyone in our family that she has at least one parent who knows her as well as I do.  So this is good for now, it's working.  But in a few years, she'll be in school and more independent, and I'll be less necessary here at home.  And what will I do then?  Everything?  Nothing?  That's what scares me.

She's.... napping?

Success!  I'm almost afraid to write this post since I feel like I'm going to jinx things, but my little non-napper is napping, in her crib!  I realized I was really cutting short any sort of "going-to-sleep" routine during the day, and basically just placing her in her crib when I noticed her getting drowsy, and finally reasoned that she needs a little soothing before bedtime, why would naptime be any different?  So I just fed her, rocked her, sang to her, and put her down, just like I do at night.  She fussed for awhile, and I had to go back in to calm her down once, but I didn't have to pick her up, and she's been quiet since!  Hooray!

Today we had lunch with a friend and went to Target for some new toys for the princess.  She's clearly getting bored of the ones she has now, so I picked up a few new things for her eyes to feast on.  The lion is one - she looked at him and batted him around for a good half an hour when we got home from the store.  :)  She is way more fun now than she was a month ago!

Lion?  Fist?  What to play with first?!

And yes, we still have a dog.  We have three inches of snow now and she's loving it, although the single-digit temperatures seem to be a bit cold for her (finally - this dog is impervious to weather!).  She's been getting on my nerves lately but it's just because we've all been cooped up in this house for too long.  But she's still adorable and loves posing for photos.

What shoe?  Your shoe?  Oh this was here already.

Well in the time it took me to upload those photos, Lia woke up, and she was not happy about it!  After some screaming and nose-suctioning (probably the thing I hate the most about a mom - I cannot wait 'til she's big enough to blow her own nose!), she's back in her swing.  Someday we'll get to whole naps in the crib, but for now, sleep in the swing is better than no sleep at all.

Man I hope I'm doing this right.

Not much to report today.  Lia and I braved all three inches of snow today and went to Home Depot and the mall.  She just loves looking around at new things.  She gets bored of her toys pretty quickly, but when I take her outside the house, she is just the happiest camper.  Except when I change her diaper and stick her on boring old changing tables in public bathrooms.  It's funny and frustrating - she'll be happy and quiet in the store, then we walk into a bathroom and I put her on the changing table and she starts screaming bloody murder.  She's really taken to letting us know when she was enjoying an activity and didn't want it to end.  Which again, is cute but frustrating.  She's also entered the phase where the world is more interesting than eating, so she gets cranky because she's hungry but she doesn't want to settle down long enough to actually eat.  I tried to feed her today when we were out, and she spent ten minutes waving her arm into my nursing cover to watch the fabric move instead of actually eating.  Then I give up trying to feed her and she starts screaming bloody murder again.  At least that'll show any old guys who pick the one chair uncomfortably close to the nursing mother in Starbucks instead of at any of the other twelve available tables.

The highlight of the day, though, was that R came home a bit early from work and watched the baby while I went to the gym and got a massage.  This is totally uncharacteristic of me, since massages trump everything, and the massage was good and all, but the gym was awesome.  It's been for.ev.er. since I've worked out, and even though I was mostly just scoping it out, I got a decent workout in and it was phenomenal.  Definitely going to have to make it more of a priority in the future.  It helps that I still walk the dog almost every day, so I was able to jog a mile pretty easily.  It's not much, but it makes me feel like I'm not totally starting from scratch.

And poor Robert had a terrible time with the baby while I was gone.  He said she screamed inconsolably for awhile (which she never does), barely ate (is she starting to reject a bottle?  I'm afraid she might be), and then poo'ed in the bathtub right at the end of her bath.  Fortunately I came home in time to help with the tail end of the poopy bathtub and I could nurse her into calmness, but she was pretty worked up and it took longer than usual to put her to bed.  Poor baby.  Poor Robert.

Weekend roundup

Well we've had a busy weekend and I just never got around to updating!  Lia seems to be starting to fall into a morning nap schedule.  She's starting to take a semi-regular nap after being awake for about an hour in the morning, and then she takes another short nap right around lunchtime.  The afternoons are a free-for-all, but I did some reading and research and it looks like babies don't have any afternoon nap organization until four to eight months, so I'm looking for it way too early.  It's so strange - she will sleep just fine in her crib at nighttime, but needs motion for naps during the day.  Right now, I figure naps in the swing are better than no naps at all, so that swing is turning out to be a lifesaver.

This weekend was full of adult time, and it was great.  I had book club, which I love (we read The Imperfectionists - and I'll post a review once I actually read it too).  We're reading Middlesex next, which I read a few years ago, and gave away my copy of the book a few months ago - whoops.  (See - I really should save everything - says the packrat in me.)  And then R's mom took Lia for the night on Saturday night!  R and I had a lovely date night, and we even made it out to a party.  I was really anxious at first, leaving my baby with her grandparents so I could go out and party, but I eventually relaxed.  She'll be staying with them for four days later this month when we're out of town so it was a good trial run, and I know I'll be calmer getting on a plane if it's not the first time I've left my baby with them.

In baby development news - she is definitely starting to learn about her hands!  I think she's been starting to bat at things but I couldn't really tell if it was deliberate or just coincidence.  But she was in her rocker today while we ate dinner, and probably a half dozen times, she deliberately stuck her fist in her mouth to suck on it.  I was thrilled and fascinated.  Robert didn't seem to think it was that great.  But I'm so proud of her!

But, crazy things that we are, we didn't get to bed last night until 1:00, so we're both exhausted.  The baby's in bed and quiet so I'm going to get myself to do the same thing.

Studying that mobile!

Fussbuckets

Well it's been a frustrating day.  Robert's car broke down in traffic while he was grabbing lunch today.  And he had accidentally taken the car seat with him to work so I couldn't go help him.  Him taking the car seat also meant that Lia and I were housebound for the day (way too cold for a walk), which sounded nice in the morning but by about 1:00 we were both pretty bored.  And between the combo of being bored, her shots from yesterday, and my fumbling attempts to get her on a napping schedule (which resulted in a grand total of three 10-minute naps today), she's been a fussbucket all evening.  I'm bored to tears with a little bit of cabin fever and a short temper, and poor Robert had a tough day and came home to the two of us.

So we're just biding our time until it's the last feeding and bedtime for the little princess, and I can pour myself a glass of wine.

For anyone with a baby who reads this blog - what did your baby's daytime napping schedule look like around 10 weeks?  She sleeps very reliably at night, and through the night, but she fights sleep all day long and I struggle to get her to nap even though she's obviously tired.  All the books say it's too early for a schedule but winging it isn't working either.

Well, unless a short email and a to-do list counts as "writing," I already missed a day.  But Lia was really fussy last night so R and I spent pretty much all night trying to entertain her and keep her distracted.  She had her 2-month pediatrician visit yesterday morning (she's 10 weeks now - wow!), and she's doing great.  But she also got her vaccinations - three shots and an oral - and I think they were really bothering her last night.  I am totally pro-vaccinations, but it still made me cry when she got them.  We've all heard about moms who cry when their kids get shots or hurt themselves or whatever, and I used to think that was so lame.  Now, I get it.  Fortunately, R was there too, which helped me keep it together.

She's been on baby tylenol and seems to be better today.  She must have worn herself out yesterday because she slept from 10:00 last night until 8:15 this morning (!!!).  Now I'm trying to work in a mid-morning nap - we'll see how this goes.

I'll try to think of something more exciting to write about, or, failing that, I'll just post some more photos, later on.  :)

Back in the Lou

Well, we made it back to St. Louis!  Security and check-in were a breeze, boarding was a disaster, and the flight itself went fine, so all in all, it was pretty good.  I did end up boarding while nursing (yes, actively nursing), and then we had a completely full flight, a head/armrest bump, and a giant poop, and while she did some crying, I'd say it was less than two minutes of crying the entire flight, so I'm calling it a success.  :)

Now we're home, Lia's overtired, and R is playing with her, waiting for the last feeding time so we can put her to bed.  Two-month pediatrician visit tomorrow morning!

And I got my pics from my new camera uploaded.  Here are a few:

Splish splash

Awww

She watched an entire episode of The Office.  Seriously.

Getting ready for a walk (with my dad and Lulu)

Splish splash again

With her great-grandmother.  The oldest daughter of an oldest daughter of an oldest daughter of an oldest daughter.

With her great-grandparents.

Didn't I say I was going to put her in hoodie towels and take a million pictures?

Last day in Texas

Today was our last day in Texas - Lia and I go back to StL tomorrow.  We had a really nice visit, although I'm ready to get back to R (and Scraps) and get back into our routine of home.  Just in the time that we've been here, Lia's changed so much.  R and I discussed her bedtime routine on the drive down, and at that time we were pretty sure she had no idea what was going on at bedtime (and I think R was pretty sure I was being a bit anal-retentive trying to come up with a routine this early).  And now I think she's totally aware of what's going on during bedtime.  I think she's finally recognizing me, which is cool.  She's a lot more interactive and her attention span is getting better every day.  She'll lay down on her back and be amused by us for 45 minutes at a time.  She's also discovered the tv, which is hilarious.  She started splashing around in her bath last night; I know babies are notorious for loving baths but until just recently, she seemed to not really care about them either way.  Now she looks amused and befuddled by all the water.  She seems to be slowly figuring out her hands, and I think she even recognized her pacifier today before I put it in her mouth. 

So, tomorrow, it's a (thankfully brief) airplane ride by myself with a baby.  Keeping my fingers crossed that we can get a few seats to ourselves (flying SW, and who wants to sit next to the woman with the baby?  right?) and that she's entertained by the plane rather than overwhelmed by it.

(Hi Mom!)

Keeping up my NY resolution to write every day... but I can't think of anything to write about!  I compose little posts in my head while I'm in the shower, nursing the baby, etc., and then I find 5 minutes to sit down in front of the computer and my eyes keep wandering over to my Zappos tab while "New Post" sits idly open in another window.

We didn't do much today.  We went to church (Lia was great, which gives me great hope for our upcoming flight, which I'm slightly terrified about), hung out at home, and visited with neighbors.  Lia's daily routine is starting to get a little more predictable, and when we get home, I think it's time to start to get her on a schedule.  She needs more daytime naps than she's getting right now, which is just a function of being in a strange environment in a house that's noisier and has more going on during the day than we're used to.  And, admittedly, probably a function of my reluctance to put her down in her crib for a nap.  I am just having a devil of a time letting this child sleep in her crib!  Today she took two one-hour naps in her crib here, and I have to admit, it was kind of nice to be able to take a shower and do the dishes and read the paper a little while she was sleeping.  A lot more convenient than having her nap in my arms or in her sling.  *sigh*  I'm proving my mother right again.

Alright, that's my requisite writing for the day.  I've got an adorable photo of Lia in the stroller to post when I get home.  :)

(Hi Dad!)

2011 - Sleep and Smiles

When Lia was a few weeks old, we ran into another couple with a 3-month old.  They said their daughter slept all night and smiled at them all the time.  And I remember thinking, "Oh goodness if I could just get some sleep and smiles, life would be totally different!"  And now we're there.  She's sleeping like a champ (now if I could only put myself to bed at 10:00), and smiling every day - a lot.  She still requires my attention pretty much 24/7, but I'm working on letting go a little, with the help of my mom, who insists that she's perfectly fine to lay alone in her crib for a little while ("But she's sad and lonely!"  "No she's not, she's fine."  "But.... oh, she's asleep now.").

I'm with my family in Plano now, and will be for another several days, but my goals for this year are to: (1) write a little every day, (2) take photos every day (of the baby and otherwise), (3) work on eating right and exercising to get/stay healthy, and (4) actively express my gratitude and thanks for the good things in my life.  Nothing monumental, because I'd actually like to follow through with all of that, so it's more that I'd like to continue to work on those areas of myself. 

And there's the baby... Happy 2011!