Thursday, February 17, 2011

Pity party

So, long story short, my milk supply has dwindled rapidly in the last week or so. I never fully recovered from the mastitis, but I was planning to cut down on my extra pumping anyways, so I just stopped doing that but was still making enough to keep up with Julia. Now, two days ago, I was two ounces short for the day, and yesterday I was six. SIX ounces short. I think some of it has to do with Julia's long sleep at night. As I've adjusted to a full eight to ten hours without nursing or pumping, I've noticed I'm much less full in the mornings, and I guess that's trickling down (or not) to the rest of the day.

I'm beside myself. I don't really care if she gets some formula to supplement (although for now I have quite the freezer stash so we're not there yet). I can't see how switching her diet - from exclusive breastmilk to part breastmilk, part formula - could possibly do any harm or rob her of any benefit at this point. But, I'm just not personally ready to give up on breastfeeding. I like it, she likes it and it's super-convenient. I'm just afraid if I start to supplement that it's the beginning of a slippery slope (note the last two days' rapid decline in production!) and in a few weeks she'll be weaned entirely, which is not what I want.

So of course I'm taking this to the nth degree and feeling pretty much like a failure at everything ever in life. If I can't feed my child, what use am I? Anyone could take care of her and I could get my butt back to work where I could at least do *something* productive. I'm just having a massive pity party today, feeling like I seriously can't do anything right. I can't keep the house clean (the cleaning lady's here since I can't scrub my own toilets, and yes, the dirty dishes are back in plastic bags in the fridge - seriously), I can't get dinner on the table (yesterday's dinner: roasted chicken from the grocery store and leftovers), I can't feed my child, so why on earth am I staying home? What on earth am I doing with myself all day? Just rotting. Rotting like a rotten tomato in the garden I planted last spring and then abandoned to the weeds and the bugs and the dog. Bleh.

But I did take some pictures.


  1. No captions? The captions literally make me laugh out loud. The two of her looking to the side at toys are cute. The one with her chin resting is adorable, but I love the one of her flailing backwards! This has to be her most annoying habit, but it has grown on me since we did upside-down smiles yesterday.

    I love you and I think you are doing great! Those were some creepy bugs on the tomatoes, though...

    PS the color/contrast on these pictures is really good.

  2. I totally empathize with the "rotting" feeling. In fact, I had a mini-meltdown last weekend after getting so overwhelmed with all the things that I WASN'T getting done that I started rampaging around the house cleaning and knocking things over until Marcus finally asked me what was going on and I burst into tears. I don't know what it is about being stuck in the house all day, but I think it does crazy things to otherwise non-crazy people. And I don't even have a baby at home to help excuse my lack of productivity!

    Hang in there, and maybe focus on some small goals/tasks that you can achieve today and take some pride in getting those things done (even if a bunch of other things don't get done). You're a new mother, which means your supermom powers haven't fully developed. Yet. :)

  3. Hang in there honey! I'm sure this is just a normal feeling that will pass soon. You're being so hard on yourself! You're doing such an amazing job with Julia and you know that no one can replace you as the mom. Every second you spend with her benefits her, so don't think for a minute that you're wasting your time there. I don't mean to be the perspective police or anything, but you should be SO happy and thankful for what you have. I'd trade you any day. I'm sure you'll get out of this rut soon...if you think a margarita might help, I'm around. Love you.