Well, the problem with blogging is that I really only write the emotional posts when something is spilling over. I never write about the normal, everyday ups and downs, and it doesn't really portray the whole picture. Which reflects me personally too - I tend to get caught up in the "omg omg omg ahhhh ahhhh ahhhh" spiral and fail to take a step back and be rational. (But who wants to be rational all the time, right? I like to think it makes me "quirky" haha.)
For example, I'm freaking out over an eight ounce milk shortage. I mention my freezer stash, but I don't say that I have over two hundred and fifty ounces of breastmilk sitting in our freezer. (I don't think it either - I'm not holding back on you!) One hundred and fifty of that is earmarked for a trip in April when I'll be away from the baby for five days, but that means I have a hundred ounces, at least, for backup. Either I'll get my milk supply back up or not, but if I do, I have plenty to tide me over in the meantime, and if I don't, I have plenty to string out breastfeeding for awhile still. And, even if I go to all formula, all the time, it's fine. It's not the end of the world. I'll be sad because I'll feel like I didn't accomplish my goal of six months breastfeeding, and it'll be inconvenient to make a bottle in the middle of the night and to deal with formula-fed baby poop on cloth diapers. But I also won't be the only one who can feed the baby, I won't have to pump when I'm away from her, and I'll discover other conveniences to formula. So there, Jess. Relax.
I know all this. I guess I'm still in the throes of an identity crisis. (And maybe I've been watching too much Grey's Anatomy lately... but seriously - those reruns are addicting! I watch them while I nurse and I usually can't wait til the next feeding because I'm so hooked. But anyways.) I can't help but think to myself - when I was in high school, I wanted to be a heart surgeon, and now look at me - I do laundry and clean and put together jumperoos. Am I ever going to do anything worthwhile with my life? I think, again, keeping perspective means realizing that I have years and years, God willing, ahead of me, and once my little one is more grown up and doesn't need me around as much any more, I can move on. I won't be stuck in the land of cloth diapers and jumperoos forever. (Geez I hope not.)
It's just hard to keep that in mind. I'd like to go ahead and accomplish everything I'm ever going to right away please, so I can spend the rest of my life enjoying it and not stressing out about what I'm going to do with myself forever. I don't want to have to try to sit back and enjoy things the way they are right now without a Plan or a List of Things Accomplished Already. I have been so blessed, but I also feel like I've done nothing to deserve all I have right now, so I really need to get to work making something of myself or making it all worthwhile.
But maybe this needs to be an exercise in patience for me. Not my strong suit by a long shot. But maybe I just need to take a deep breath, really grasp that I have a beautiful daughter and an awesome little family that truly wants for nothing, and remind myself to enjoy things in this moment right now.